


Back to You

by jeongyeonasaur



Category: TWICE - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:07:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23495026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeongyeonasaur/pseuds/jeongyeonasaur
Summary: Forgetting everything that happened never felt so painful before.
Relationships: Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana, Minatozaki Sana/Yoo Jeongyeon
Comments: 5
Kudos: 55





	Back to You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I suggest reading Losing You first before reading this. Just so you understand some scenes better. :))
> 
> For twitter user @ollyssi :) Belated happy birthday gift.

_The fucked up  
part of it all  
is that even though  
she can hear   
her own heart breaking,  
she’s still willing  
to love  
the same one  
who broke it   
–R.H Sin_

~

Three years.

One thousand ninety-five days.

One million, five hundred seventy six thousand and eight hundred minutes.

Momo wonders how many more years will it be before she can finally forgive herself. The memory of that snowy night still haunts her. Every drop of tear that had fallen from the eyes of the only girl she ever loved, wasted on her. The dedicated days they spent together dreaming of their future, their aspirations, their passion to become successful together, all gone in a snap. If only she did not do what she did. If only she gave in and thought of what they should be then it would not have turn to what they could have been.

It’s confusing. Momo finds herself confused most of the time. All the time, to be exact. What kind of decision did she make that day when she ended whatever they had between them? Watching the same girl she broke into unimaginable pieces smile at her like nothing happened breaks her even more. How can she? Oh right, Sana had forgotten about her and whatever they had throughout the years they’ve stayed together.

“Who are you?” Sana asked when she woke up from a three week coma. Jeongyeon walked out that same instant, Mina broke down, Chaeyoung, Dahyun, and Tzuyu all covered their faces as tears fall from their eyes. Nayeon stared at Sana in disbelief. Jihyo.. she choked and hugged Sana’s legs. Momo can’t even remember what happened after those words left Sana’s lips. Everything went blank. Suddenly, a dead tone took over her world. The hospital room became white and the only thing she can she is Sana, head covered in bandages, with her large eyes filled with innocence and confusion.

It was when Mina crumpled her fists on Momo’s clothes that she went back to reality. “Momo-ya… Sana-chan..” Mina said in a broken voice, barely breathing. That’s when Momo realized that she, herself, was not breathing. Her eyes went back and forth from Sana to Mina then back to Sana. Her heart was racing, her eyes were getting heavy. She broke away from Mina and ran away. She couldn’t breathe. She felt her soul leave her body. It’s like the oxygen around her vanished.

She found herself at the garden of the hospital. She sat on one of the stone benches there and watched the fountain. She questioned herself, hundreds of questions all at the same time.

_Why did I do that?  
Why did I run away?  
Why am I scared?  
Why does it hurt?  
Why am I not beside her?  
Why am I useless?  
Why do I do nothing but hurt her?  
Why do I always turn my back on her?_

“I really question why Sana did not leave you when she could,” she found Jeongyeon leaning on a tree, smoking. The older girl was never into vices. Aside from their occasional drinking sessions in their dorm, Jeongyeon never tried anything else. So it must be something too much to handle for her to result to smoking.

“Jeong, you’re smoking?” she asked. Obviously, Jeongyeon does. But she needed to hear it from the girl. She does not believe her senses now that she’s a mess. All because of her decision to break her soulmate’s heart.

Jeongyeon dropped her cigarette and stepped on it, “Ahh. That became a habit whenever I get too stressed.” The girl sat beside her and looked up the sky. Momo stared intently, “Will it be too much to ask you to stay away from her?”

Momo is confused. Jeongyeon sounded so serious that it even made her shiver. “What do you mean?” she asked. Of course, playing dumb would be the first thing she will do. She knows exactly what Jeongyeon meant by her words.

The Korean got another stick from her pack and lit it up. Blowing the smoke upwards, “I mean Sana.” She takes another puff, “I think it’s too much, don’t you think so?” Jeongyeon doesn’t look at her. It’s a rare sight to see the oldest of the ninety-six line so serious. They’re the beagle line for fuck’s sake. But whatever Jeongyeon was talking about, Momo knew she only has one choice: follow.

“I don’t want to,” she looked up to the sky as well. Her view of the sky getting clouded by the smoke from Jeongyeon. “I don’t want to lose her, Jeong.” she said with a firm tone.

A snarky breath escaped Jeongyeon’s lips, “Really now? Did you think of that when you kissed her and told her to not love you anymore?” Momo’s eyes began to heat up once again. She felt her tears threatening to fall. “You should have thought of that before you broke her heart, Momo. You should’ve gotten your shit together and fixed everything with her when she was still like a puppy following and loving you blindly.”

It was too late to stop her tears. Momo covered her eyes with one arm while her other hand clenched on her thigh. “I..I just w-want her to s-stay with me.”

“Bullshit,” Jeongyeon said in a calm tone although there was anger seething through her voice. Momo shivered in fear. Jeongyeon never got mad. She’d always stay quiet and let it pass. But now she knew she’s in deep shit.

“I wanna love her, Jeong,” she sobbed. Her heart clenched more that she expected to handle, causing her to choke, “But I don’t know how.”

“Start by staying away from her,” Jeongyeon stood up. “Do every one of us a favor, not because of anything else, but for the benefit of everyone in the group. Stay away from Sana. Let her be happy. Give her the one thing she asked from you…” she stepped on the cigarette butt, “happiness.”

A month passed and the girls had to introduce themselves again to Sana. Her family wanted her to go back to Japan but Sana herself said no. For some reason, she wanted to stay with the girls. In their dorm, in her room. With them.

“Jeongyeon-ah, please teach me the steps again later?” Sana whined like a baby. They used to hate it when she does that but now, after three weeks of not knowing if she’ll wake up or not, they love it.

“Why ask Jeong? Momo can teach you, Sana-ya,” Jihyo said while hugging Sana by the waist. Everyone became a little too attached to Sana. It’s like there’s this fear in every one of them that anytime, Sana will disappear and they won’t be able to get her back again.

“Ehh,” Sana whined. She pouted at Jihyo and said, “Jeongyeon gives me ice cream after every dance practice with her so I get to learn and eat sweets!” she laughed. Jihyo looked at her lovingly and then stared at Jeongyeon.

“Fine,” Jeongyeon looked at Momo and then continued, “Pretty sure Momo has a date later anyway.” One thing that changed between Momo and her roommate is that she’s now distant and she constantly reminds Momo that she has someone so she should stay away from Sana. Or rather, find a way for Sana to stay away from her.

“Come on, Sana. We have to change your bandage so you can go out with Jeongyeon,” Nayeon-unnie motioned her hand to come and Sana followed. Momo is left with Jeongyeon and Jihyo inside the living room. Mina and the rest are in a food trip around the city.

“I don’t know what’s up between the two of you,” Jihyo broke the silence. “But I’m not having that silent war, okay? Either talk it out or just pretend to be okay when in front of the others. It’s affecting the kids. It’s making Nayeon-unnie mad. Mina’s worried. And Sana’s just scared. We shouldn’t stress her out. She’s just starting to be okay again, get it?”

Momo nodded. Jeongyeon sighed and said, “Okay.” Although it seemed like nothing much will change. Jihyo left and before Momo can even start to say something, Sana came back and went to Jeong.

“Leggo!” Sana exclaimed in excitement. Jeongyeon chuckled and shook her head.

“Wait up. Let me get my car keys and an extra coat,” she walked back to their room, leaving Momo and Sana in the living room.

“Sana-ya,” she called the girl’s attention. Sana looked at her with bright eyes. Momo felt her world crash down. There’s that familiar ache she had been nursing on her chest since the night she called it off with Sana. The regrets she has filled her more than usual.

“Hmm?” Sana hummed. She missed her voice. She missed her warmth. She missed Sana as a whole. She was her other half. How dumb of her to think that they can live a life without each other’s side.

“How are you?” she kept her distance. She’s scared that if she goes a little too near at Sana, she might break her again. There’s this constant fear that Sana is like a delicate glass that the slightest touch can break her. And Momo knows quite well that she’s most likely to break the girl she loves the most.

“I’m doing quite well, actually!” Sana sat beside her and continued to talk. “There’s this feeling that I know the dances already and my body moves on its own. Jihyo said it’s memory muscle!” the cheerful tone in Sana’s voice actually broke Momo’s heart more.

“It’s muscle memory, Satang,” she stopped talking. Sana stared at her with wide confused eyes. Lips void of any smile. It slipped in her mouth. She never called Sana _Satang_ after she woke up from her coma. She didn’t want to possibly trigger her which can possibly hurt Sana even more. She didn’t want any more pain to be inflicted on the girl.

“Sana-ya, let’s go?” Jeongyeon returned with two coats in her arms and her car keys. “Sana?” she called again. Sana blinked twice and smiled at Jeongyeon. Her eyes wondered around before she took a deep breath.

“Why do you have two coats?” Sana asked, still with a straight tone. Jeongyeon looked at Momo and shook her head. “Are you that cold, Jeongyeon-ah?” Sana joked.

Jeongyeon smiled and playfully flicked Sana’s shoulder, “The other one’s for you, silly.” She made Sana wear the coat and continued, “Wouldn’t want the most precious girl to get sick now, do we?”

Sana smiled cheekily, “Am I the most precious girl in your world, Jeongyeonnie?” Momo’s heart clenched in pain. How can they flirt in front of her? How can Sana say that? Jeongyeon, of all people.

_Oh. Right. She can’t remember that she used to love me._

“In our world, Sana. Me and the others,” Jeongyeon laughed nervously before interlocking their fingers and heading out. The faint blush on Jeongyeon’s cheeks did not go unnoticed by Momo. It just made her pain tenfold. The chains that have been holding her for so long since Sana’s accident finally snap when the girls closed the door.

Momo broke down. Her tears fell continuously that it scared even her. She didn’t know she can cry that much. It broke her heart to lose Sana. It broke her heart more when she had to stay away. It broke her most when she saw Sana, firsthand, try to catch someone else’s attention. The amount of pain she felt that moment was much more than she had ever felt before. Much more than her elimination in Sixteen. It’s like she was kicked in the gut, punched in the chest, and shot through the heart. It was almost unbearable. The burning sensation spreading from her chest to each and every part of her body was too much. She fell asleep. Rather, cried herself to sleep.

~

“What’s wrong, Sana?” Jeongyeon asked during their ride towards their destination. She noticed that Sana’s been quiet ever since they left their dorm. Sana’s hand snaked towards hers. Jeongyeoon felt the girl’s cold fingers, “Sweetie, tell me.” She pulled over the waiting bay to face Sana.

“Why did you agree with me?” Sana asked back. Jeongyeon held both her hands. Cold and trembling hands.

“Because one, I promised myself to stop anything that can possibly hurt you. Two, I promised you that I will do whatever you want just as long as you come back to me.. to us,” the girl explained in a soft tone. It was all Sana needed to hear to be back to normal.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jeong,” she confessed.

Jeongyeon laughed, “I know! You’d probably be chasing Momo until now.” Sana playfully hit the girl and shook her head. “What? It’s true! Do you know how scared I was when I saw you sleeping during those days when you were in coma? And when you asked us who we were? It’s like all those days I didn’t sleep went down the drain.”

They stop in front of a hospital by the edge of the city. “I got most of my memories back, anyway. Thanks to you,” Sana leaned her head on Jeongyeon’s shoulder as they enter the facility.

“I did nothing,” Jeongyeon said. Her fingers interlocked with Sana inside the pocket of her trench coat. Even before the accident, Sana have been too close for Jeongyeon’s own safety. She’s been constantly reminding herself to keep Sana at arms-length. But after the accident, Jeongyeon said fuck it. She won’t let Sana slip away. Not from her but from them. All eight of them. She’s slowly and dangerously dancing between the grey area of platonic love and romantic love. Every now and then, Jeongyeon checks up on herself to make sure she stays on platonic before everything becomes a mess.

Sana shook her head, “You were patient with me when I asked you to help me regain my memories. Every single break down, you carried me to the hospital, stayed with me until I felt better and came up with excuses such as touring me around Seoul but in reality, you were accompanying me in the hospital when you’re supposed to be enjoying your vacation days.”

Jeongyeon felt her heart swell. Not from pain, not from love, but from happiness. “I just want you to be okay. Didn’t I make that clear before? No Sana tears when I’m around.” Sana’s heart clenched. It’s been a long time she felt cherished. She knows all too well what she’s doing and she’s guilty. She’s aware that she’s taking advantage of Jeongyeon’s care for her and that she’s abusing that chance of love she saw from the girl. But Jeongyeon’s Sana’s only stronghold. Her anchor, if she might say. Without Jeongyeon, Sana’s just lost.

“This is my last session with Doctor Choi,” she changed the topic. She’ll think about the consequences of her actions later. For now, she’ll enjoy the little happiness she has with Jeongyeon. That small and timed peace she has.

“Yep. When do you plan to tell them that ninety percent of your memories are back?” Jeongyeon fixed her collar and sat on the waiting area. Sana doesn’t know the answer for the question. Honestly speaking, Sana wants to remain this way. The Sana that doesn’t remember Momo so that she can save herself from the pain of Momo’s eyes on her. She feels free to look at Momo in the eye and pretend that she doesn’t see the regret flashing in the girl’s eyes every time. She doesn’t enjoy it but it keeps her heart safe while she’s still healing.

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. If there’s one thing she is in front of Jeongyeon, it’s being honest. She knows she doesn’t have to pretend to know everything when the girl is around. Jeongyeon will protect her and stay by her side whatever happens. But she knows there’s a limit to everything. Jeongyeon will not tolerate her fooling the rest of the group. If it’s Momo, Jeong will understand but if it involves the other members? It’s a different story.

“Sana,” there was the same serious tone Jeongyeon used when they had the talk about her therapy to get back her memories. “You can’t hide it forever. Not to the members who love you wholeheartedly,” she nodded.

“I know,” she stared at the small dot on the wall. “I don’t know when and how I can tell them that all this time, our training slash practice sessions are actually therapy sessions with a doctor so I can regain my memory. It’s like lying to them,” her voice broke. Jeongyeon automatically held her hand.

“I’m gonna be with you, you know,” even though she can’t see it, she knew that Jeongyeon’s smiling at her. “I’ll tell them it’s my idea so that you can surprise them with the effort you did!”

Sana thought she doesn’t deserve someone like Jeongyeon in her life. She’s broken, used, abused, torn apart, and every single synonym there is for dysfunctional. But Jeongyeon? She’s an angel, a guardian, a friend, and even a lover.

_If I had known you before her, I would have chosen you._

“Minatozaki?” the doctor called. Jeongyeon accompanied her inside the room and patiently waited. Sana endured her last session of therapy. The doctor said it will take around three days to one week more to fully regain her memories. Although it’s at ninety percent, the last ten percent is before she was even in JYP Entertainment.

On their way back to their dorm, Sana said, “If I tell them this week, what will Momo do?”

Jeongyeon couldn’t answer. She was not prepared for that question. Although she can’t say that she didn’t expect it. “Maybe she’ll continue to stay away. Depending on the message you will be sending, actually.” She gave the most honest answer she can give.

If she can be honest, Jeongyeon’s also scared. Not for herself but for Sana. The thought of Sana being ruined again by the very person who can make her scares Jeongyeon the most. She tried. She tried so hard for the past months for Sana to be okay. Just so she can see that smile she loves the most.

Jeongyeon’s trail of thoughts stopped.

_Love? Wait, did I say that in my mind?_

She shook her head and focused on the road. Sana fell asleep along the way so she carried her to their dorm and laid her down the bed before asking Mina to change her clothes. As soon as she got back to her shared room with Momo, she found the girl sleeping with evident tears on her face. Jeongyeon sat on the floor and sighed. She’s torn. She loves her roommate. She cared more for Momo before she cared for Sana. Momo was her original baby before everything that happened. Now, Sana’s hurting, Momo’s hurting, if they continue, the group will be hurting too. And for some reason, Jeongyeon felt like everything is on her shoulders. One wrong decision from her and they’re all gonna crash down.

“Jeong..” a soft hand pokes her cheek. “Jeongyeon-ah, get in bed,” Momo’s voice echoed through her dreams. Asleep, she dumps herself on her side of the bed, beside Momo.

“I know you hate me but I hate myself more,” Momo continued. “Jeongyeon, I don’t know where to begin. I want Sana back. I broke things off with him. I just.. I want to be okay with her again but I’m scared. I’m scared that if I get too close, I might hurt her again and this time, she won’t be back.”

For someone who claims to hate Momo, Jeongyeon’s heart broke along with her roommate.

~

“Our comeback after nine months of break is tomorrow. Sana, are you sure you’re okay?” Jihyo asked her. Sana smiled wholeheartedly, making Jihyo smile in return. “We love you, okay?”

“I love you guys too!” she looked around, settled her eyes on Momo, “All of you.”

Jeongyeon sighed quietly and nodded. She faked a smile and laughed with the other members. There’s this complicated situation between the three of them that is on Jeongyeon’s shoulders. One, she realized she’s in love with Sana. There’s no more point in denying that since even her sister told her to just suck it up and accept that fact that she lost the battle already the moment she left their mother in the shopping district just to run to Sana’s side. That was a dumb in love move, according to her sister. Two, Jeongyeon wants Sana to be happy. Although she’s quite sure she can make Sana happy if they (miraculously) end up together, she’s not confident that it’s the happiness Sana wants and craves for. She knows for a fact that even if Sana denies it all the time, she still wants Momo’s attention. Hell, her eyes sparkle whenever Momo gives her time to teach her the new dance steps. Three, Momo’s in love with Sana. That’s the most complicated shit Jeongyeon has ever encountered. She’s confused how Momo’s mind is wired because if she loves Sana, why would she hurt her so much? Jeongyeon gave up on finding that answer a long time ago. But the thing is, if she wants Sana happy then she should step away and just let Momo win her back. But the fear of having Sana slumped into that broken girl again is such torture that Jeongyeon finds herself shaking her head in disapproval. She can also make Sana happy. Why can’t she just confess and get everything over with? Of course, how can she forget? She doesn’t know Sana’s stand in all of this that is happening.

“Jeong, we’re going home,” Nayeon brought her back from her reverie. She noticed the practice room empty already. “You seem so out of it lately. What’s up?” the bunny toothed girl sat beside her.

“Unnie, you might not believe me if I told you,” she chuckled. Nayeon raised an eyebrow on her so she continued, “I’m in love.”

“With Sana. Yes, I know,” Nayeon answered nonchalantly. Jeongyeon’s eyes widened, “What? Jeongyeon, I’ve known you since you’re thirteen. You think I won’t notice how you look at Sana? Girl, I used to date you. I _know_ when you’re whipped. And I might say, it’s a lot more mature than our funny puppy love.”

Jeongyeon stared in disbelief, “I can’t believe you! You knew all along and you didn’t even bother to tell me that I was obvious?!” Nayeon laughed from the bottom of her lungs.

“Jeongyeon-ah,” Nayeon called in a serious tone after laughing so much. “I think you should go for it, you know. Sana missed her chance when she let Momo dictate the pace of their relationship. Now look where that got her. And I..”

“Wait!” Jeongyeon cut her off, “You knew about them as well?!” she exclaimed. Nayeon rolled her eyes and flicked her middle finger.

“Duh. I know a lot. I’m Im Nayeon. Now, may I continue with any more obvious reactions from you?” Jeongyeon nodded. “As I was saying, she missed her chance. Momo’s regretting everything now but that doesn’t mean they can’t be together. The only thing that’s stopping Momo from pursuing that blondie again is because Sana hasn’t revealed yet that her memories are back. Yes, I know that too. I tried to surprise you too with a tub of ice cream once during your practice sessions and I didn’t see any of you in the building. I also found receipts of the hospital therapy in the bag that I borrowed from Sana. So you see, Jeong, once Sana reveals that her memories are back, Momo will push through with her plan and you’ll probably lose your chance to be with Sana.”

Amazed. That’s what Jeongyeon was at that moment. Nayeon was normally pretending to be dumb but she knew what was going on. “Why didn’t you talk to us?”

“Come on, Jeong. Why do you think I pay special attention on Momo these days? She needs an unnie now more than Sana does. She has you. Momo lost Sana, lost you, she can’t lose me as well. She’ll go crazy,” Jeongyeon nodded in her unnie’s response.

“Why did we break up again?” she joked. Nayeon shook her head and stuck her tongue out. “Ah right, you want Mina. Good luck with that.”

“Tell me that after you kissed Sana on National TV, ayt?” Nayeon teased before walking towards the exit. “Seriously, Jeong, get the chances before they slip away,” with that, Nayeon left.

Jeongyeon found herself sitting in front of Momo in a café, a little past midnight. “Weird. You never talked to me unless it’s business related,” Momo said.

“Momo-ya,” Jeongyeon smiled sadly. “I’m in love with Sana,” she saw how Momo’s eyes flashed three emotions. Anger, sadness, and regret. “I’m telling you this because I want to be honest with you.”

“I kinda wish you weren’t honest just now,” Momo takes a sip from her drink. “Did you take advantage of her memory loss?” she asked.

Jeongyeon shook her head, “I never did. I only realized it a week ago. I haven’t told anyone. Well, Seungyeon knows only because she made me realize it. Nayeon-unnie knows because she noticed even before I told her. But I never, ever in my life, took advantage of Sana’s memory loss. I kept reminding myself to stay in that platonic zone.”

“Why didn’t you?!” Momo’s voice dripped in acid. “I love Sana, you know that. I’m gonna make sure I get her back once she gets better, Jeong.”

“I know. That’s why I’m telling you this. Because I want to be fair and I want you to know that I will not back down without a fight. I’ve seen Sana broken, been with her while she was putting her pieces back together, helped her heal. I just… I want you to know that even though you think I hate you, I respect you and your feelings for Sana. I will fight fair and give us both a chance. Sana will be the one to decide in the future anyway,” Jeongyeon explained. Momo seemed to calm down after that. She nodded and bit her lip.

“She’s not hard to love, right?” she looked at Jeongyeon while drinking. Jeongyeon smiled. Momo knew right then and there that it will be a tough match.

~

Comeback day for the girls and Sana’s nervous as hell. It’s their last stage recording before they all go back to the company to have dinner. She’s planning to tell them about her retrieved memories during dinner. No one knows about it except her and to say that her heart is racing would be an understatement. Normally, she’d tell Jeongyeon but she didn’t want to burden the girl with more secrets anymore.

Their ride to the restaurant was excruciating. She sat beside Jihyo and just held the girl’s hand for strength. Jihyo did not understand anything but she kept Sana composed. Once everyone was settled, eating their ordered food, Sana stood up.

“Uh… I’d like to have everyone’s attention please,” she laughed nervously. Jeongyeon was looking at her with confused eyes. Momo’s looking at her like she grew another head. Once everyone’s attention was on her, she began, “For the past months, I’ve been struggling with who I am. All of you here know about the accident. It was unfortunate, yes, but hey, I’m here!” the crowd chuckled in happiness. “I just want to thank every one of you here. From the start to now, you’ve all been very patient with me. Mina, I remember when you first came as a trainee, Momo and I were so happy because finally, we had a sister we can call our own. Jihyo-ah, you make me strong every time you take care of me. Nayeon-unnie, sometimes I wonder why you think I’m strong because among everyone here, you’re the strongest. Maknaes, I have never been so proud to be called an unnie until I met you three.” Sana started to cry. “It was hard. Not recognizing the family I earned during those times that was hard. I’m sorry. But I… I can now say that with much effort these past months, I have regained my memories,” she looked at Momo, “Every single one of them.”

The staff and the members cried and applauded Sana. Jihyo hugged her so tightly that she almost failed to breathe. Jeongyeon clapped with a smile at the back. She felt that the girl was proud of her. Momo was cautious but Sana hugged her, “Welcome back, Satang.” There was something in Momo’s voice that she was scared to ask. But maybe in another day.

Dahyun didn’t want to let go of Sana on their way back to the dorm. Sana appreciated the love and affection the members gave her. When Dahyun finally gave up and went inside her own room, Sana went to the kitchen. She found Momo sitting there, as if waiting for her. “Momo-ya, what’s wrong?”

Momo’s tears fell. She almost jumped the distance between her and Sana just so she can hug the girl, “I thought I lost you!” harder than any of her cries before, Sana felt her heart swell up again. “Forgive me, Sana, hmm? I’m sorry for taking you for granted. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how much I love you before. But Sana,” Momo choked. “I love you, okay? I think I’ve never been so scared in my life than when I saw you unconscious in that hospital bed.”

Sana, for once in her life, felt cherished by Momo. She couldn’t stop her own tears from falling. Momo was her other half. No matter how painful their past may be, she will never not care for Momo. And maybe that’s why she knew that Momo will always be her bliss. The wind that can either make or break her life.

So it confused Sana too much when she found herself rejecting Momo’s invites and asking Jeongyeon to hang out with her instead. “You know, Sana, even though you’re with me, your mind’s with Momo. Why not just accept her invite?” Jeongyeon asked her one time. Maybe because Sana kept looking at her phone so Jeongyeon finally snapped and told her that.

“Jeong, I’m sorry. But it’s just that Momo said that even though I can’t make it, she’d still wait,” Sana explained. There was something in Sana’s voice that made Jeongyeon soft.

_Being in love sucks._

For the past weeks since Sana revealed her secret, Jeongyeon’s been trying her best to avoid recognizing her rapidly beating heart when she’s around the blonde woman. Although she failed miserably because she’s out with Sana every other night, she’d just have to pat herself in the back and tell herself: good try, bitch. Because honestly? Why can’t she say no to Sana? Oh right, because she’s whipped for that almond eyes of hers.

“Where is she?” Jeongyeon asked again. Sana sighed, “Sana-ya, where’s Momo?” as soon as Sana answered her, she revved up the engine of her car and drove to Momo’s location.

“Jeongyeon-ah, where are we going?” Sana questioned her. Jeongyeon kept quiet and held the steering wheel a little too tight for her own good. “Jeongyeon, I’m asking you!” Jeong stepped on the break, “What the fuck, Jeong?!”

“What the fuck, Sana!” Jeongyeon exclaimed. “I am sick of this set up, okay?! It’s Momo you want why do you call me? I don’t wanna be your booty call friendship version okay? So I’m taking you to Momo, you get together with her and stop breaking my heart, okay!” Jeongyeon started to drive again.

For the first time, Sana felt scared of Jeongyeon. She knew what she was doing and she didn’t know that she had gone way beyond the line. Of course she knew about Jeongyeon’s feelings. Why else would the girl take her anywhere she wanted to? Buy her anything she laid her eyes on? But Sana tried to look at it blindly. She wanted to keep having Jeongyeon for herself while still getting the attention from Momo. Call it selfish, she doesn’t mind. After all the pain she’s been through, Sana thought that it was okay to be selfish. Just a little bit. But to her surprise, it was too much. Her _little bit_ was already little too much. Jeongyeon was already hurting. And the last thing Sana wanted is to make Jeongyeon experience what she did with Momo.

“I’m sorry,” she broke their awkward silence.

Jeongyeon sighed and held her hand, “No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have flipped on you like that. That was uncalled for, sorry, Sana-ya.”

It was clear.

Sana didn’t deserve Jeongyeon.

They arrived at the place where Momo said she will be waiting. “Jeong…” Sana trailed off.

“No, it’s okay. I know that whatever happens, you’d go back to Momo,” Jeongyeon faces her with a smile that broke Sana way more than Momo did. Jeongyeon was her anchor and now, Jeongyeon’s slipping away from her. “You and Momo,” Jeongyeon’s voice broke, “You two love each other so much. I can’t be selfish to take you away from that, Sana. You’re finally getting the happiness you yearned for. The happiness you got broken for… who am I to stop you?”

Sana’s tears began to fall. How can she be loved by someone as selfless as Jeongyeon? She’s broken and yet Jeongyeon gave Sana her own pieces so she can be whole again. At the expense of her own.

“Why break for me?” Sana asked. Jeongyeon’s eyes filled with love smiled at her.

“Because you’d break for me too… if you had chosen to love me like you love Momo,” Jeongyeon pulled back and unlocked the door. “Go, pretty sure Momo’s cold now. There’s hot pack in the compartment, give it to her.”

Sana takes a deep breath and makes the decision of her life.

~

Momo stood five hours and counting waiting for Sana. She won’t complain. She doesn’t have the right to complain when Sana waited for her for years. Five hours is nothing.

There is uncertainty in Momo’s heart. She knows the gravity of what she did with Sana so she’s quite scared that there is a seventy percent chance that Sana will not appear. But she’ll have to hold on to that thirty percent. Sana said she’d always care of Momo so she’ll believe that somewhere in Sana’s (broken) heart, she’d show up. Chances are slim but whatever it is that Sana decides to go with, Momo will accept it.

“Hey,” Momo’s world became instantly brighter. Sana’s voice is like music to her ears. Momo’s heart raced until all she can see is Sana in a divine light. Sana will always be her angel. Her other half. The best part of her.

“Sana!” Momo leaped from her position and hugged Sana. The girl hugged her back and right at that moment, Momo felt whole. “I knew you’d show up! I believed in you. I knew you’d always come back to me. Like I come back to you!”

“Momoring,” Sana broke the hug and smiled at Momo, “I’m here to say goodbye.”

Silence.

There was nothing but silence between the two of them.

“I should have done this when I had the chance in the kitchen. Momo, you’ve been my world since who knows when. I’ve depended my happiness on you and I watched silently as you broke the same world I built for you. The months that passed made me realized that I loved you more than myself and it’s not okay. You said before that we should stay whatever it is that can make us last and I now know why. Because, Momo, if we’re together, we won’t be able to last together. You’re my weakness as I am yours. We can’t be each other’s poison. We need to grow apart so we can continue to grow.”

Momo’s tears continued to fall. Her heart broke more than she expected. Her first love. Her soul mate. Her Sana. Why is she falling apart? Was that how Sana felt when Momo broke it off the first time? If yes then how did Sana endure it? Momo physically felt incapable of speaking.

“You know I loved you, Momo. I still do, maybe, but not the way you want me to love you anymore,” Sana turned around, her back facing Momo. “I guess this is goodbye, huh? We’ll see each other during schedules but Momo, I promise that I will still be your best friend. The way you should be my best friend. We’re better like that. Back to best friends, okay?”

Sana walked away. Step by step that she took, Momo’s heart broke. She wanted to say _stop, don’t go_ but she knew that it would be useless to ask Sana for something she cannot give anymore. Momo lost her chance. Sana did come back to her. But Sana did not stay.

“One more thing,” Sana looked at her and smiled so brightly, “I really did love you so much, Momo. Trust me. I loved you more than you could ever imagine. I hope you find it in you to love someone that much.”

_You’re that someone, Sana._

Momo stared at Sana as her figure disappeared with the snow. She heard an engine’s car rev up and speed away. Momo knew Sana made her choice.

And that choice isn’t her.

She knew it right from the beginning.

How come it didn’t hurt less?

Momo stared at the snow as her tears disappear among it.

_Goodbye, supposedly girlfriend. I really did miss my chance._

_I had you before. I lost you once._

_I had you again. Now I lost you forever._

_Maybe next time, you’d come back to me and stay._


End file.
